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Attack of the Plunnies!

Chapter 3

ATTACK OF THE PLUNNIES!

 

 

            Inuyasha shoved Kagome behind him and pointed Tetsusaiga at Sesshoumaru.  “You can’t have her!”

 

            “That’s right,” Kouga stated.  “Kagome’s going to be my mate.”  He stood beside the hanyou with an air of smug confidence.

 

            Inuyasha whipped around so fast that he almost knocked Kagome over.  She eeped and edged away from the demons.

 

            “She’s mine!”  Inuyasha grabbed the dog-eared toddler from Megumi with one hand.  “We even have a pup!  See?”

 

            The baby cooed despite the clawed fist dangling him by his collar.  Then he coughed and started turning blue.

 

            “Shame on you, Inu-chan!”  Megumi thumped Inuyasha on the side of the head.  “The baby’s not a kitten!  You can’t carry him by the scruff of the neck!  He’ll strangle!”

 

            Inuyasha yelped and dropped the baby into Megumi’s arms.  He glared reproachfully at her.

 

            Megumi grinned back.

 

            “Don’t worry,” she said to the fussy toddler.  “Daddy’s just having a bad day.”

 

            “Don’t call me ‘Daddy’!” Inuyasha roared.

 

            Kouga seized his chance.  He snatched the ookami baby out of Miroku’s arms.  “I’m a daddy!  Look!  Yowch!”  The baby latched onto Kouga’s hand with his sharp little teeth.

 

            “Me too!” Shippou piped up.  He jiggled the kitsune kit.  Inuyasha and Kouga turned identical daggered glares on him.  Shippou winced.  “Um.  Never mind.”

 

            Sesshoumaru swept them all with a cool glance.  “Fools.”  In one swift move, he appeared in front of Kagome.  He grabbed her hands.  She squeaked.

 

            “Get your filthy hands off of her!” Inuyasha and Kouga growled at the same time.

 

            Sesshoumaru stroked the back of Kagome’s hand with his thumb.  “You are the only woman worthy of this Sesshoumaru.  You are as powerful as you are beautiful.  Choose me and I will give you the moon and the stars.”  Smoldering passion flickered in his amber eyes.  “Or I could start by just taking you to heaven.”

 

            Kagome blushed and tried to free her hands from the demon’s grip.  “That’s very flattering, but I’m afraid you’re under the influence of the plot bunnies.  You don’t know what you’re saying.”

 

            “This Sesshoumaru cannot be influenced by girly pink rabbits.  This Sesshoumaru wants… “He groaned and closed his eyes.

 

            “Lord Sesshoumaru?”  Kagome peered at the demon lord’s face.

 

            “I think I’m going to be sick.”

 

            “Yuck!”  Kagome pulled free and retreated to stand by Miroku and Sango.  The monk patted Kagome on the butt in the guise of comfort.

 

            Kagome shrieked.

 

            Hiraikotsu sliced through the air.

 

            CRACK!

 

            “It’s not my fault!”  Miroku rubbed the new lump on his head.  “It’s the plot bunnies!”

 

            Sango smirked.  “Sorry.  It slipped.”

 

            Shippou stared at Kagome.  “Weren’t you pregnant a moment ago, Kagome?”

 

            Kagome looked down at her stomach.  It was flat again.  “What happened?”

 

            “Maybe you gave birth already?” the fox suggested.

 

            “I think I’d remember something like that.”  She lifted her shirt a little and poked her stomach.

 

            “Would you want to remember?” Sango asked.  “I heard that it’s really painful.”

 

            Kagome pouted.  “That’s not the point.  I don’t even remember how I got pregnant!”

 

            Miroku brightened.  “That’s the best part!  I’ll show you.”

 

            “No!”  A miniature white-haired blur crashed into the monk.  Miroku staggered.

 

            Everybody stared.

 

            “Who are you?” Sango asked.  The little boy ignored her and growled at Miroku.

 

            “Look!”  Shippou pointed.  “There’s another one.”

 

            A little girl with black hair and black dog ears clung to Kagome’s leg.  The little boy had white hair and white dog ears.

 

            “Do I know you?” Kagome asked at the same time Inuyasha strode over, snarling, “Let go of Kagome, you little brat!”

 

            The little girl’s eyes filled with tears.  “Please don’t fight, Daddy!  It’s bad!”

 

            Inuyasha sweatdropped.  “Not another one,” he groaned.  “Where did these two come from?”

 

            The little boy glared at his sister.  “Now you’ve done it,” he hissed.  “We weren’t supposed to tell them.  It could ruin everything!”

 

            “Plot bunnies again.”  Kagome sighed.  “All right, spill,” she ordered.

 

            The little boy shut his mouth and looked sulky.

 

            “We’re from the future,” the little girl chirped.  She stared up at Kagome with one brown eye and one blue eye.  “I’m Kasha and this is my brother Yome.  We were sent back in time to make sure you and Daddy don’t do the thing that’s going to destroy everything.  And that you do the thing that’s a good thing because it will make everything better.”

 

            Kouga scratched his head.  “Did anybody understand any of that?”

 

            “And what thing would that be?” Miroku prompted.

 

            Kasha shrugged.  “I forget.”

 

            “What’s going on?” Sesshoumaru demanded suddenly.  “Why are you people here?  Why am I here?”

 

            “You came to demand Kagome as your mate,” Kouga said helpfully.  “Of course Kagome is going to be my mate.  You can have one of the other females.  How about that one?”  He pointed at Megumi.  “She’s even part dog.”

 

            “Ewww.”  Megumi wrinkled her nose.  “He’s my brother.  I’m not into that.  At least not in this story.”

 

            “I have no sister,” Sesshoumaru stated.  “And I would never stoop so low as to take a human as my mate.”

 

            “What do you remember?” Sango asked.

 

            Sesshoumaru frowned at her.  “This Sesshoumaru does not need to explain himself to a mere human.”  He looked away.  “This Sesshoumaru remembers nothing after the pathetic swarm of pink bunnies.”

 

            Miroku looked intrigued.  “Perhaps the effect is temporary after all.”

 

            “What a relief,” Kagome said.

 

            “Lord Sesshoumaru?”

 

            “Not now, Rin,” Sesshoumaru said.

 

            “Rin feels funny.”

 

            The demon lord turned.

 

            “Oh, my,” said Kagome.

 

            “Oh, no,” groaned Jaken.

 

            A very shapely, very naked Rin stood in the middle of the path.  She examined her long slender hands.  “Rin got big.”

 

            Sesshoumaru swallowed hard.  Miroku stared.  Kouga stared.  Inuyasha stared despite the ominous grumblings coming from Kagome.

 

            Sango removed her kimono, leaving only her armor underneath.  She wrapped it around Rin, ignoring the disappointed groans from the guys.

 

            “I’m sorry, my lord.”  Rin looked up.  Tears shimmered in her big brown eyes.  “I didn’t mean to grow.”  She took a deep breath.  All of the male eyes fixated on her chest.  “Can you forgive me?”

 

            “I forgive you,” Sesshoumaru mumbled absently.  “And I like you big.  I want to mark you.  I want to make you mine forever.”

 

            Rin colored.  “Really, my lord?”

 

            “Definitely.  You have a very pleasing scent, Rin.  Let’s make some pups.”

 

            “Oh!  Sesshoumaru!”

 

            “Oh, my!” Kagome clapped her hands over the eyes of Kasha and Yome.  Sango turned red and grabbed Miroku Jr.

 

            “Hold it right there, Sesshoumaru!” Inuyasha barked.

 

            “Why?”

 

            “Because!”  Inuyasha flattened his ears.  “This is not the way the Demon Lord of the West should behave.”

 

            “Very well.”  Sesshoumaru removed his hand from under Rin’s kimono.  The other one, which had regenerated unnoticed, he used to caress the love bites on the girl’s neck.

 

            Inuyasha glared impartially at the other members of the group.  “Let’s get to Kaede’s before something worse happens.”

 

            “You always were bright for a hanyou,” Sesshoumaru remarked.  “That’s why Father wanted me to look after you.”

 

            Inuyasha froze and cocked an ear.

 

            “I had to make you strong.  Into someone worthy of our father’s bloodline.  Into someone I would be proud to call my brother.”

 

            Inuyasha turned slowly.  “What are you talking about?”

 

            “You’re my brother, Inuyasha.”  The demon lord flung his arms around the hanyou.  “I love you!”

 

            “Awwww!” sighed Megumi.  “I knew they would make up.  The plot bunnies haven’t let me down yet.”

 

            “Let go!” Inuyasha shouted.  “Letgoletgoletgo!”

 

            Sesshoumaru moved his hands south and squeezed.  “Besides, you have the cutest butt!  And those ears are just too adorable!”

 

            Miroku snickered.  “I didn’t know you swung that way, Inuyasha.  And here I thought you were just repressed.”

 

            “I’ll show you repressed!”  Inuyasha glared at the monk.  “I am one hundred percent NOT THAT WAY!  Now get him off me!”

 

            The two brothers were pried apart.  Everyone resumed walking.

 

            “Sesshoumaru, will you stop molesting Rin?  It’s distracting.”

 

            “You’re no fun, Inuyasha.  Why don’t you give in and hump your own bitch.  I know you want to.”

 

            “Don’t stop them, Inuyasha.  This is very educational.  I didn’t even know you could do that while walking.  We should try that, Sango.”

 

            “PERVERT!”  SMACK!

 

            Inuyasha stopped suddenly.  Kagome walked into him, and Kouga walked into her.

 

            “Ow.” Kagome rubbed her sore nose.  “Next time, tell me when you’re going to stop.”

 

            “Quiet!” Inuyasha hissed.  His ears flicked forward and then back.  “We’re being followed.”

 

            Shippou shut his eyes.  “None of this is happening,” he chanted.  “It’s not real.  They’re only plot bunnies.  Everything’s fine.  When I open my eyes everything will be back to normal.”

 

            Sesshoumaru stopped nibbling on Rin’s collarbone long enough to raise his head and take a few deep sniffs.  “It’s human.  Nothing to worry about.”

 

            The bushes rustled.

 

            Everyone slowly drew together into a tight group.

 

            A young woman stepped onto the path.  Her waist-length blonde hair swished when she walked.

 

            “Hi,” she said brightly.  She smoothed the skirt that just barely covered her butt.

 

            “Hello,” Kouga mumbled without taking his eyes off of her incredibly long legs.

 

            “Welcome,” said Miroku.  His eyes remained about the level of her chest.  Two pieces of cloth--not even big enough to be called a thong--cradled her impressive breasts.  “I grope—hope—you are staying for a while.”

 

            “Her stomach’s flatter than yours, Kagome,” Inuyasha remarked.

 

            “Are you saying that I’m FAT?”  Twin flames burned in Kagome’s eyes.

 

            Inuyasha cringed.  “What!?  No!  Her stomach just looks flatter ‘cause her chest is bigger!”

 

            “Now you’re saying I’m flat?” Kagome yelled.  “Osuwari!”

 

            WHAM!

 

            “Ow!  That hurt, you psychotic bitch!”

 

            “OsuwariOsuwariOsuwariOsuwariOsuwari!!”

 

            “Oooh, look at the pretty pink bunnies.”  Inuyasha blinked and shook his head.  “This just isn’t my day.”

 

            The mysterious woman giggled.  Miroku’s eyes got wider and drool appeared at the corner of his mouth.

 

            Sango grabbed the monk’s ear and twisted.

 

            “I was just looking, Sango!  I wasn’t going to touch!  I swear!  You’re the only woman for me.  We even have a kid.  Doesn’t that mean anything?”

 

            Sango twisted harder.  “That won’t work, monk.  Kagome’s human kid happens to look a lot like you!  I know you!  You chase anything on two legs.”

 

            Not true!  I draw the line at old and wrinkled!”

 

            “Who are you?” Kagome demanded of the woman.

 

            “Me?  I’m Mary Sue.  I’m perfect.”

 

            Jaken frowned.  “You can’t be perfect.  Only Lord Sesshoumaru is perfect.”

 

            “But I’m Mary Sue.  I have a perfect body.  I get perfect grades in school.  I’m perfectly nice and kind and everyone’s best friend.  I know karate and ninjitsu and self-defense, and I even have my own sword.  I can speak to animals and feel the pain of the trees.  I never eat meat, but I’m the best hunter you’ll ever see.  My arrows always find their mark.  Without me, you’ll never gather all of the Shikon shards or defeat Naraku.”  She took a deep breath.  The cloth over her breasts strained.  The boys’ eyes nearly bugged out of their heads.  “I’m perfect.”

 

            “You’re not perfect!” Kagome yelled.  “Nobody is perfect!  You’re just a figment of the plot bunnies!”

 

            “You’re being unreasonable, Kagome.”  Inuyasha pried himself out of his crater.  He shook the dirt out of his ears.  “Mary Sue is always perfect.  Everybody knows that.”

 

            I’m being unreasonable!?”  Kagome’s voice rose several octaves.  “Look here, you—“

 

            The bushes rustled.

 

*^^*

 

Phobia of the week:  Cyberphobia – Fear of computers or working on a computer.

Copyright: The Literary Dragon 2006