ATTACK OF THE PLUNNIES!
“What’s that stench?!” Inuyasha wrinkled his nose. The small bundle in his arms squirmed and let out a yell.
“The baby needs to be changed, Inuyasha,” Kagome explained. She
propped the human infant on her shoulder and patted it on the back. It burped
and spit up all over her.
Inuyasha held the dog-eared baby as far away as his arms would permit. “Changed
“She means that the baby has a dirty diaper.” Miroku let the
ookami hanyou baby grab his finger.
Inuyasha looked outraged. “You mean this thing hasn’t been
“It’s just a baby,” Miroku said. The baby in his arms
bit down on his finger. “Yeeouch!
It has teeth!”
“Wolf puppies teethe early,” Shippou said. He tightened his
grip on the squirming baby fox in his arms. Suddenly he was holding a mouse. Then a log with a bushy fox tail. The
log hiccupped and turned back into a baby.
The bushes in front of them rustled.
“Quiet!” Sango ordered. She shifted the demon baby to one
arm and reached back to grab Hiraikotsu.
A slender figure stepped onto the path in front of them. She had a charming,
tomboyish air about her. Two white dog ears twitched on top of her head.
“Hi!” she chirped. Her long, white hair flopped into her eyes. She pushed it back. “I’ve
been looking everywhere for you. Don’t you remember me, Inuyasha?”
Inuyasha stared at her blankly. “No.”
She smiled. “I’m your older/younger sister Megumi.”
“You have a sister?” Kagome asked.
“I would remember if I had a sister,” Inuyasha huffed. The
pup he was holding shrieked louder.
“Ooooh!” Megumi cooed. “Is he yours? He looks just like you did as a pup. Let me hold him.”
“Are you older or younger than Inuyasha?” Sango asked.
“Depends.” Megumi laid the pup on the ground and changed his
dirty diaper. “Right now I’m older.
Next time I might be the long lost younger sister.”
Shippou sidled closer to Miroku. “I bet she’s a figment of
the plot bunnies.”
“Of course I am.” Megumi bounced to her feet and handed the
gurgling baby back to Inuyasha. “I’m a convenient plot device to
beat some sense into my little brother and share embarrassing stories of when he was a pup.”
She looked at Kagome. “I like you.
Are you my brother’s bitch?”
“Hey!” Kagome glowered.
“What did you call me?”
“Is that offensive where you come from?” Megumi looked confused. “I was just asking if you were his mate--his woman. You smell like it.”
Miroku felt a tug on his robe. He looked down into the smiling violet
eyes of a small boy.
“Can we stop, Daddy? I’m hungry.”
Daddy? Miroku recoiled. The little boy wore a purple covering similar to his own on his right hand. A strand of prayer beads crossed his palm and wrapped around his small arm.
The boy looked at Sango. “What’s for lunch, Mommy?”
Miroku grinned. “I knew it!
I knew she’d say yes!”
Sango turned red. “He’s not real! He’s just a figment of the plot bunnies!”
“Don’t you like me, Mommy?” The little boy’s face
crumpled. Tears filled his eyes.
“This isn’t getting us anywhere!” Inuyasha yelled. “We
need to get to Kaede’s. She’ll fix everything.”
Kagome swayed slightly. “I don’t feel so good.”
“Now what?” Inuyasha grumbled. “It’s bad enough
that you change from human to hanyou and back every time someone sneezes. What’s
Kagome turned pale. “I’m going to puke!” She thrust the baby at Inuyasha and darted for a convenient clump of bushes.
Inuyasha tried to juggle two infants without dropping either one. He frowned
worriedly at the vomiting Kagome. “Are you all right?”
Kagome turned around and wiped her mouth with a shaky hand. “I’m
okay. It must have been something I ate.”
Sango, Miroku, Shippou, and Inuyasha all stared at her.
Kagome frowned. “Okay. What’s
wrong this time? I didn’t sprout a tail or horns or anything, did I?” She touched the top of her head, searching for any unusual growths.
“I think you need to cut back on the snacks, Kagome,” Shippou piped up.
“They’re giving you a tummy bulge.
Horrified, Kagome glanced down at her waistline. Even as she watched,
it swelled a little more, as if someone was inflating a beach ball inside of her.
“Congratulations, little brother,” Megumi chirped. “Your
mate is expecting.”
Megumi ignored the shocked outcry from the group. She tapped a well-manicured
claw against her chin thoughtfully. “That’s assuming it is Inuyasha’s. Who knows, it could be Naraku’s.”
Kagome burst into tears. “I’m too young to be pregnant. They’ll kick me out of school. I’ll
be ostracized forever.”
Miroku walked over and laid a comforting arm over her shoulders. “Don’t
worry, Kagome. Kaede will fix everything.
I’m sure we can find her before you experience the joy of childbirth.”
“Thank you, Miroku.” Kagome sniffed and gave him a watery
smile. “You’re very sweet.
But that still doesn’t give you any right to fondle my breast. Remove
your hand before I rip it off and beat you with it.”
Miroku jerked his hand away. Sango growled and grabbed Hiraikotsu.
Miroku flinched. “Be careful!
I’m holding a baby!”
“Good point.” Kagome calmly relieved the monk of his burden. “All right, Sango. Let him have
“Ouch! Sango, I—“
“Let me explain! It’s not my—“
“Stupid plot bunnies,” Miroku mumbled through a mouthful of dirt.
Inuyasha and Shippou snickered.
After Miroku dragged himself to his feet, they continued on their way. Miroku
Jr. bounced around with twice the energy of a fox kit. He asked question after
question without, apparently, needing to breathe.
“Can we stop, Inuyasha?” Kagome whined. “My feet hurt
and I need to pee.”
Inuyasha’s ears, which had finally reappeared, flattened. “We
just stopped five minutes ago. Can’t you hold it?”
“No.” Kagome pouted.
“And I’m hungry. I want strawberries.”
“We don’t have any strawberries.”
“But I want strawberries!”
Inuyasha growled and ignored her. The dog-eared baby, now a hefty toddler,
gurgled and stuck his fingers in his mouth.
“Inuyaaasha, I want strawberries. If you loved me, you’d get
them for me.”
“I’ve got news for you, bitch,” Inuyasha snapped. “I
don’t love you!”
Kagome’s eyes filled with tears. She sniffled. “You don’t?” she said in a small voice.
Inuyasha stopped as the first hint of salt hit the air. He growled and
smacked his fist repeatedly against his forehead. “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
A small whirlwind blew through the group and stopped in front of Kagome.
“Don’t cry, Kagome,” Kouga said, holding her hands with his.
“What has dog turd done now? I’ll happily beat him to a pulp
“What are you doing here, Kouga?” Kagome asked.
“I was passing through and I caught your lovely scent on the breeze.”
“Um, Kouga,”--Miroku handed the wolf baby to Sango and stepped forward--“have you noticed anything
Kouga scratched his head. “Stranger than the herd of pink bunnies
that attacked me and my wolves?”
“They didn’t bite you, did they?” Sango asked.
“If you could call those bites,” Kouga scoffed. “More
“Oh, no,” Shippou groaned.
Kouga finally noticed Kagome’s belly. “What has he done to
you?” He pulled her against him in a fierce hug. “Don’t worry, my Kagome. We’ll just have
to relieve you of this mistake.”
“Mistake?” Twin growls could be heard coming from Inuyasha
“I don’t care if you’ve been defiled,” Kouga continued.
“I’ll still take you as my mate and we will never speak of this again.”
“That’s very sweet, Kouga.” Kagome smiled. “But I don’t love you. I love Inuyasha.”
“You’re such a kind, forgiving girl.” Kouga sighed. “Dog turd doesn’t deserve your protection.”
“Listen to me, Kouga. I’m staying with Inuyasha.”
Kouga turned to Inuyasha. “Thanks for taking care of her for me,
dog turd. But I’m taking her with me.
Go play with your dead bitch.” Inuyasha flattened his ears and growled.
“I. Don’t. Love. You!” Kagome started to glow pink. “Are you thick between the ears or something?”
“You can’t just take her,” Sango said abruptly. Everyone
turned to look at her. “Look at her.”
She indicated Kagome’s swollen stomach.
Kouga frowned as he studied Kagome. “That could be a problem. I wouldn’t want her to whelp while we were traveling.”
“Exactly.” Sango nodded.
“Wait until the pup is born.”
“All right,” Kouga agreed. “But I’m coming with
you. I have to keep an eye on my woman.”
Inuyasha opened his mouth. Sango shot him a glare. He gulped and shut it.
Kouga walked on one side of Kagome, Inuyasha on the other. Shippou trailed
“Why?” Shippou whined. “I’m strong. I’m handsome. And I can change shape. Why won’t you be my mate?”
“You’re just a child,” Kagome responded wearily.
“No, I’m not.” Shippou threw out his chest and flexed
his muscles. “I’m an adult now, remember?”
“Forget it, runt,” Inuyasha growled. “Kagome’s
going to be my mate.”
Kouga grabbed Kagome’s arm. She stumbled. “She’s mine!”
Inuyasha cracked his knuckles. “That does it! Let’s fight for her here and now!”
The bushes to the side of the trail shivered. Sesshoumaru walked onto
the trail, followed by Rin and Jaken.
“Big brother!” Megumi squealed.
“What do you want, Sesshoumaru?” Inuyasha spun towards the
older demon and drew his sword. It immediately transformed.
“Squabbling again like an ill-mannered pup?” Sesshoumaru asked, raising one well-shaped eyebrow. “Why am I not surprised?”
“Did you just come to make things worse?” Miroku asked. “Or
do you have anything useful to contribute?”
“This Sesshoumaru is always useful.” The demon stuck his nose
in the air.
“What do you want?” Kagome sighed and rubbed her forehead.
“Rin needs a mother,” Sesshoumaru announced. “I have
decided to supply her with one.”
“That’s nice,” Sango said slowly. “Do you have
someone in mind?”
“I want the little miko.”
to you by Food for Thought, it’s Phobia of the Week:
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.